The Lament of All Men
by Penfold66
Summary: Merlin struggles to say goodbye to Arthur before returning to the Isle of the Blessed to sacrifice himself in the Prince's place. Implied romance Merlin/Arthur Series One Episode 13, "Le Morte d'Arthur" - Missing Scene.


Gaius's words echoed through Merlin's head as he headed toward Arthur's chambers, feet dragging and heart as heavy as iron. He wondered just how he would to be able to say goodbye to his master and his destiny.

It was an effort of pure will to command his feet to take him along this oh-so familiar route for what he was certain would be the very last time. He spurred himself on with the thought that he could at least have this farewell...it was more than he thought he'd get at this time yesterday. Yesterday they had all been sure that there was no hope of recovery from the bite of the Questing Beast and Merlin had looked on helpless and distraught as the life ebbed away from the unconsious Prince. He simply could not believe that the man who had become his reason for living was just fading away right there in front of his eyes before he'd had a chance to tell him and show him so many things. In despair he had wailed to Gaius, "He can't die! It is my destiny to protect him! We haven't done all the things we were meant to do!"

Gaius's reply to Merlin's outpouring of emotion had been brief but profound, "That is the lament of all men". It had galvinised Merlin to try and do something...anything...to prevent the inevitable. He was not 'all men'. He had powerful magic and he would use it. If it couldn't save his Prince, what use was it?

So he had used it. He had consulted with the Dragon and then struck a bargain with Nimueh on the Isle of the Blessed. He'd expected to die on that very night as Arthur had started on his slow road to recovery, but in his stead Merlin's mother had been stricken down with a grievous malady. This night however, Merlin would return to the Isle and insist that his own life, not that of his mother, be taken in leiu of Arthur's.

Thus he found himself on the cusp of this final leavetaking.

Too soon, he was at the door to Arthur's chamber. He paused for a second and gathered his thoughts and his resolve. He wondered whether he should - for the first time ever - actually knock before entering. He decided against it...why change now, on the last meeting he'd ever have with Arthur? He slipped into the room quietly, closing the door gently behind him, not entirely sure how far Arthur had gone along his road to recovery. Arthur was on his feet with his arm in a sling, pouring wine and eating grapes. Merlin thought that he looked healthy and radiant and he thanked the gods for that.

"Ah Merlin" said Arthur quietly, by way of welcome.

"How are you?", asked Merlin in an equally subdued tone, suddenly a little shy and just a tiny bit alarmed that Arthur wasn't his usual, bombastic self. He stood by the door. Part of him wanted simply to leave and never have to have this conversation and never have to say goodbye. He hung onto the door handle to stop himself from fleeing.

"Good" said Arthur simply, in reply to his query.

"I'm pleased" said Merlin, still unable to leave his spot by the door.

"Yes, I owe it all to Gaius" replied the Prince, taking a seat. Merlin couldn't help but smile at this. After all this time in such close proximity to Arthur, he'd managed to keep his magic a secret. He pondered on whether this was due to luck, his own ingenuity or whether Arthur really was the idiot that he so often accused him of being.

"I need to talk to you" he said, before he lost his nerve and resolve. He had so much to tell his Prince and he couldn't bear the thought of going to certain death leaving it unsaid.

Arthur - the insensitive, maddening, beautiful turnip-head - couldn't sense his servant's mood at all and retorted to this statement with, "You still haven't got it yet, have you...I decide when we need to talk".

Frustration and desperation made Merlin bolder than usual, "Not today" he replied shortly.

Arthur was a little taken aback, but didn't miss a beat before coming back with, "I sometimes wonder if you know who I am".

"Oh, I know who you are" said Merlin, finally leaving his place by the door and walking toward Arthur's seated form. This conversation suddenly reminded him of his very first meeting with Arthur, all that time ago. Somehow this seemed appropriate.

"Good" said Arthur haughtily.

"You're a prat" said Merlin, his eyes twinkling, "...and a royal one".

Arthur looked up at him, reminded of their first meeting by Merlin's words, and huffed out a laugh at the memory. "Are you ever going to change Merlin?" he asked, smiling.

"No, you'd get bored", retorted Merlin smiling fondly. Suddenly his demeanour became serious as he added, "But promise me this, if you get another servant don't get a bootlicker."

Arthur frowned a little and rubbed his shoulder where the Questing Beast had bitten him. "If this is you trying to leave your job..." he begun.

"No, I'm happy to be your servant till the day I die" parried Merlin, rather too quickly and rather too earnestly.

Arthur looked at him - really looked at him - for the first time since he'd walked into the room and what he saw in his servant's face alarmed him.

"Sometimes I think I know you, Merlin", he mused, still looking at the boy quizzically, "other times..."

Merlin couldn't let the momentum pass, so cut in on Arthur's thought, "Well - I know you! You're a great warrior and one day you'll be a great king." he began, intent on imparting wisdom and advice to this maddening man that meant so very much to him.

"That's very kind of you" interjected Arthur a little mockingly.

"...but you must learn to listen as well as you fight." continued the boy doggedly.

Arthur was more than a little alarmed at the way this conversation was going. He didn't like the look on Merlin's face at all. It was much too serious. He tried again to lighten the tone, "Any other pointers?" he asked.

Merlin realised that he wasn't getting through to the Prince in the way that he had hoped to. Of course he wasn't. What had he expected really? Arthur had no idea of his magical ability, of their joint destinies and of what Merlin was on the verge of sacrificing for him. All the things he'd planned to say to Arthur flew from his mind. "No" he said quietly, his brow furrowing and the corner of his eyes beginning to itch with the threat of tears, "that's it. Just...don't be a prat".

With that, and before he broke down, Merlin walked the short distance back to the door and left. He couldn't even find it within himself to say "Goodbye" to the man that he was soon to give his life for.

Arthur looked on with a frown as he said these final words and slipped out of the door. Once the boy was gone, he sipped his glass of wine and felt a sense of foreboding. Something was very wrong with Merlin. Were he a little stronger, he would have followed the boy out of the chambers and demanded to know what all this was about. Sometimes, he mused, his manservant was passing strange and he puzzled on what might be going on inside the head of the boy.

Merlin stood in the corridor once he had left the room. His heart was still racing and he couldn't calm the trembling in his core. He berated himself for his cowardice, for fleeing the room as he had. He had only managed to say a fraction of what he'd wanted to and this was to be the last chance he'd ever have to do so. There was nothing for it, he had to go back in there. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and once again pushed the door to the chambers open. This time he strode in and up to the (rather startled) Prince who was sitting where he had left him, by the table. Merlin knelt down between his knees and tenderly cupped Arthur's cheek in one of his hands, the other hand laying on the Prince's knee. Arthur frowned a little but nevertheless leaned into the touch as he looked down questioningly at his servant.

"What is it, Merlin?" he asked quietly, searching the boy's face for clues. "You are talking like you're thinking of leaving your job again and I don't want that. If this is what you are planning, I'd like to know why".

Despite himself, Merlin huffed out a laugh. He said nothing, but stroked Arthur's cheekbone with his thumb and studied his face, committing every inch of it to memory. Despite himself, Arthur closed his eyes and leaned further into the caress. Merlin gently pulled his head forward and captured the Prince's lips in the gentlest of kisses.

Arthur hesitated for a second, not even opening his eyes, before reciprocating the kiss. It started off being gentle, but by and by Merlin's other hand came up and cupped his other cheek and the kiss deepened. Arthur opened his mouth and allowed Merlin in, at the same time carding his good hand through the boy's hair. He would have liked to pull the boy to him, to hug him and give him some comfort from whatever it was that was troubling him so profoundly, but his bound arm and injured shoulder caused him to remain uncharectaristically passive.

By degrees, Merlin pulled away, despite Arthur's lips seeking out his own every time he pulled back. Eventually Arthur relinquised the kiss and opened his eyes through heavy lids to look down at Merlin who was now sitting back on his heels gazing up at him. His manservant's lips were full and kiss-bruised but his eyes were sad. Arthur mused that he had never seen a sight quite so beautiful as this.

Merlin let out a deep sigh, "It's getting late, Sire." he said softly, "Will you need help getting ready for bed?"

Arthur was a little thrown by Merlin's sudden change back into manservant mode so soon after such strange words and a tender kiss, but recovered himself quickly. He coughed slightly to regain composure and nodded down at his arm in it's sling. "This is making things a little awkward", he said, "You'll need to help me undress and bathe tonight".

Something flashed in Merlin's eyes, "Of course" he breathed and with a small smile he began to slowly undo Arthur's belt and then with the utmost care undo the sling that held his arm and to take off his shirt. Still kneeling, he slowly peeled off the bandage covering the scar left by the Questing Beast. Arthur hissed in pain as he did so, the wound still throbbed badly, but Merlin laid his hand across it's length and suddenly the throb was replaced by a strange tingling sensation that eased into coolness. The Prince relaxed and let out a sigh.

"It's healing nicely" observed Merlin, "it might not even scar if you're lucky. Gaius is a talented physician indeed". The last sentence was said in a slightly playful tone that Arthur didn't quite understand.

Merlin's eyes and hands lingered a little longer on the scar, then he gently traced his way across Arthur's clavical to the dip in his throat. With splayed fingers he traced a line down the centre of the Prince's chest and across the taught muscles of his stomach before brushing lightly across and coming to a stop at Arthur's hip. His eyes followed the movement of his hand with something resembling reverence. Arthur looked down on him, slightly bemused but nevertheless relishing the tender touch. In different circumstances he may have become aroused by such caresses, but he was in recovery from his illness and still a little weak, and he was not a little alarmed by Merlin's strange mood.

After a time Merlin looked up from his quiet worship of his master's torso, "I should get the bath drawn", he said, pushing himself up on the Prince's knees and walking over to the fire to remove the cauldron boiling there. He hauled it over to the bathtub and , back turned to Arthur, added it to the water already there. He stirred the water in the tub, added a handful of rosemary sprigs and some perfumed oil and with a golden flash of his eyes warmed it through to the perfect temperature. He returned to Arthur and once again knelt before him, unbuckling and removing his boot and socks.

"Ready?" he asked, looking up through his lashes.

"Mmm" replied Arthur, standing up slowly, cupping his injured shoulder with is good arm.

Merlin knelt before him and undid the ties of his breeches, letting them fall to the floor and pool around Arthur's ankles. He stood and let the Prince put all his weight onto his shoulder as he stepped out of the breeches and placed a supporting hand at Arthur's waist, leading him over to the bathtub. Once there Merlin knelt before his Prince again, this time to remove his hose. This was something Arthur usually did alone as Merlin sorted out his night things, but becaue of his injured arm he was unable to. Merlin stood, holding the Prince by the waist to steady him as he stepped out of his hose and into the bathtub. He supported the Prince's weight as Arthur lowered himself by degrees and settled with his back against the bath's edge. Once in place, he let out a huge sigh of contentment.

"Mmmmmmmm, Merlin" he drawled lazily, eyes closed, "You may well be the most insolent manservant that has ever graced the halls of Camelot, but you really do have a knack of preparing the most magnificent of baths"

"Glad I've managed to get at least one thing right in my time here" replied Merlin, "Now, lean forward and keep still, I need to clean around this wound on your shoulder properly"

"Yes Sir" replied the Prince mockingly, but he complied and relaxed, groaning in pleasure as Merlin washed and massaged the sore and still inflamed area around where he'd been bitten. Merlin ministered to the injury then continued sweeping his hands over the contours of Arthur's back in a gentle massage, fanning out across his broad shoulders then down his ribcage to the globes of his arse then up his spine with his thumbs. He repeated the motion, revelling in the feel of the firm muscles encased in silky soft skin. Arthur's body went pliant beneath him and his breathing slowed.

By and by, Merlin's massage moved up Arthur's spine and onto his scalp. Arthur leaned back into the touch. Merlin looked down at his face as he worked, drinking in the sight of his master's wet eyelashes shadowing his cheeks and rivulets of water running down his nose and mouth. He looked beautiful like this, almost angelic.

"You were in my dreams, you know" said Arthur suddenly, not opening his eyes.

Merlin paused his massage briefly, snapped from his study of Arthur's perfect countenance when the Prince spoke. "Really?" he asked, "When?"

"When I was - you know - sick, dying, whatever" said Arthur, waving his good arm lazily to illustrate his point.

"Oh?" said Merlin, resuming his massage, "and what was I doing in these dreams? Polishing armour? Cleaning your chambers? Kneeling in the stocks?"

"No, nothing like that" said Arthur, smiling a little. His brow furrowed as he tried to remember. "No, they were...strange, almost like visions. I can't remember very clearly - there was a lot of fire, and heat.."

"Probably because you had a fever" quipped Merlin.

"Maybe" conceded the Prince, "But you were in the midst of it all, speaking in a tongue that I know not, and there were...creatures, like the Questing Beast but bigger, like dragons, maybe"

Merlin's hands stopped, "Dragons? Really?" he asked, a hint of alarm in his voice.

"Yes, dragons" continued Arthur, "and the strangest thing was that you were not afraid of them, nor burned by their flames, and it was almost as if they did your bidding"

Merlin resumed his massage and cautiously asked, "Did my bidding? How very strange. Were they polishing armour?" he quipped.

Arthur frowned a little, "no, nothing like that...I don't know...it was all a bit mixed up. There was also water, I was in deep water, and you were there and your eyes were glowing like fire."

"I think Gaius must have given you some very powerful drugs, sire!" said Merlin, trying to keep his voice even despite the mention of glowing eyes.

Arthur huffed out a laugh. "No doubt" he said. Then he opened his eyes and looked up at Merlin who returned his gaze upside-down from mere inches above his head. "It was beautiful" he added, unexpectedly. "It was strange, and a little alarming, but I couldn't stop myself looking into them. There were visions of beautiful women, and strange magical creatures and treasures and all manner of wonders, but whatever I looked upon I was always drawn back by your golden eyes."

Merlin leaned forward and rested his forehead against Arthur's, tipping the Prince's head back and burying his nose into his dampened hair. He ceased massaging Arthur's head and simply cradled it between his hands. Arthur - still boneless from the massage - simply relaxed back into the cradling hands. They stayed thus for a while until Arthur felt Merlin begin to shake and felt a hot tear land on his cheek. He pulled out of Merlin's hold in consternation and spun around in the bath, looking Merlin full in the face.

"Merlin, what's wrong?" he asked anxiously, cupping the boy's hanging head in his good hand and tilting it up to face him. Merlin pulled back from his touch, eyes closed, head hanging low with hot tears running down his cheek.

"Merlin, please" insisted the Prince, holding Merlin by the chin a little more forcefully than before and tilting his head back up ."You're scaring me. What is this?"

Merlin heaved a huge sigh and wiped his tearstained cheeks, his sobs finally subsiding. No longer fighting Arthur's hold he slowly placed both hands on the edge of the bathtub, raised his head, opened golden eyes and gazed square into the face of the Prince.

Arthur's breath caught in his throat, he released his hold on Merlin and stared in wonder and alarm at the sight in front of him.

"What sorcery is this?" he said in a quiet awestruck voice, "How are you doing that? Am I still delirious? Am I still dreaming?"

"No Sire, not dreaming" said Merlin quietly and with a voice filled with sorrow. "This is who I am. I wanted so much to tell you before, and to show you so many things. I had so many dreams for us. Now there's no more time. I wanted you to see me just once as I really am, and to understand. I love you Arthur and I know you will be a great King one day...I wish I could have been around to see it..."

As Merlin spoke, Arthur slowly came to his senses and began to realise that his manservant was, in fact, a sorcerer. His eyes widened and he moved further away starting to become alarmed but unable to break his gaze with those golden eyes.

"Do you mean to kill me, Merlin?" he asked a little indignantly, "Because doing so like this, when I am unarmed and in my bath is just cowardly..."

Merlin blinked and his eyes returned to their normal startling blue colour. "What? No! Never!" he replied, "I would never hurt you Arthur, never!"

"Then what do you mean when you say, 'there's no more time', Merlin?" said the Prince, still leaning as far away from his manservant as the bathtub allowed.

Merlin continued to grip the bath and to look down at the ground. Hot tears once again coursed down his cheeks and his shoulders shook as he cried silently.

Despite himself, after watching Merlin in such agonies for a minute or more and realising that the boy seemed to have no intention of harming him, Arthur leaned in and caught the Merlin's face in his hand and tilted it up. Merlin opened red rimmed, sad eyes and looked at him. Arthur said nothing, but looked at him questioningly and absent mindedly stroked his cheek by way of comfort. Gradually Merlin calmed, he smiled a little sadly and his gaze drifted from the Prince's eyes down to his lips. He slowly, slowly leaned in and kissed him. As he caught Arthur's lips in his own, Merlin's eyes flared golden and the Prince went limp in a spell induced sleep. Merlin sighed, caught him up in his arms and cradled his wet, dripping form over to the bed. He lovingly dried the Prince's sleeping body and laid him comfortably beneath the sheets. With one final kiss goodbye and a last look upon that which he loved best, and would willingly give his life for, Merlin headed out to face whatever fate was to throw at him.

Late the following morning Arthur awoke from the most refreshing repose that he could remember. As he came to his senses he became aware of three things. That he was inexplicably completely naked, that the ache in his shoulder was gone, and that his dolt of a manservant was - as usual - nowhere to be seen. On this last thought he was reminded of a dream that involved fire, and water and a boy with golden eyes. As he climbed out of bed, he frowned as he tried to recall the details but they dissapeared with the last traces of sleep...


End file.
